Memorified Moments

Sunday, November 06, 2005

I'm happy with my results. (Technically I wasn't too happy with my chinese and english and lit and SS and bio but bio is a hopeless cause what with being traumatized by jiggling ~~boobs~~ teachers and my chinese sucked anyway so it's just english and lit and you can see it's not getting any better with the way my commas are disappearing. So there they are: ,,,,,,,,,)

Actually, it's cause my mom saw them and didn't scream. Yet. I was there, on the sofa, timer on the ready for her to start, and she never did. O.o So naturally what makes my mom happy makes my ears happy and in turn makes me happy. This brings on a whole new meaning to 'seeking parental approval'.

Ah yes. If you read brenda's blog you'll know all about the bus stop incident. We were at Taka, and then we had to get back to school, so she was talking about the bus stop at the back of taka, and I took it at the back of the mrt station, and the dear girl didn't know the way anyway, and we spent the better part of the time getting lost and going up and down the damned escalator, so I took her to the mrt bus stop ~~which she specifically told me not to go to~~ and we spent our time giggling away. Yes, that's what happened. ~~cut short and summarized so I don't look too stupid.~~

Mel was sick on friday, and Liqi and I had to bring her things to her. And she didn't even look sick and was laughing at us. (We missed her stop.) The ass.

SLN camp is on monday. I was packing and had to sew up the damned hole in my hadley shirt cause they wanted approved shirts that were neither black or sleeveless, and so I cannot wear last two years' class tee. Damn it. And guess what? I'm going through the damned thing with my ******. It's going to be so damned irritating. ~~"Oh I'm so sorry [insert name of teacher in charge]. I think I just scraped my butt and I am bleeding. Can I please go and put on a...plaster?"~~ yes, THAT'LL go well. I do hope it doesn't happen.

I really need to start writing again. Or critiqing, at any rate. My english is going (speeding, really) down the drain. Or longkang. Which ever is larger. Anyway, I just read a horrendous piece of fanfiction. Apparently, Kurapika turns into a fruitcake who compares his life with a road every three seconds, the narration reminds me of that lousy movie featuring Christ somemore (poor religious people, they must be so insulted) where there is a deep voice in the backgroud so the scriptwriter doesn't need to work on how to incorporate facts into the script and animals act waay out of character. I mean, if you can't get kurapika right, which is more or less the easiest of them all, at least you get an animal's actions right...right? And author really needs to get a new theme. I'm going to shoot the person who introduced the wizard of oz to him/her.

On another hand, http://www.fanfiction.net/~thetreacletart has nice stories, though one might best be pro-slash to read all. Nods.

Oh yeah, people, go here: http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html Hilarious, I tell you. It's about 100 things an evil overlord should and should not do (and cells A and B have more funny stuff). Here's some of the more memorable ones:

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.

I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.

I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.

If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)

My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)

I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.

If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.

I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.

I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".

I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy.

If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.

I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed.

All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.

Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."

I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.

Mythical guardians will be instructed to ask visitors name, purpose of visit, and whether they have an appointment instead of ancient riddles.

Ah yes. Amusement.

Â -capture those moments ;