Memorified Moments

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

OMG. It's, like, SUPER hot in here. I feel like stuffing myself into the fridge. The UPPER fridge. And I don't want to start sweating cause sweat is made up of urea so sweating is something akin to pouring bucketfuls of urine onto yourself. Say it with me: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

And I'm so amused. The person who inspired me to type the last entry was inspired by my last entry to type an entry. Lolx. So cute.

It's hot hot hot hot hot.

Forget it. I'm turning on the air con.

Â -capture those moments ;

Sunday, November 27, 2005

2005 is drawing to an end, and soon I'll be off to china and the next time I talk to anyone after that would be next year. 2005 has been...a year. It's better than last year, that I can honestly say, because I didn't like last year's class one bit, but I wouldn't go as far as to say it's been a wonderful year. I mean, there were ups, and I had fun in class playing ABC bingo and haidai and bullying people and whatnot, but there were also downs, and these are the times that are (unfortunately) imprinted in the memory.

I like being in 308. No, really. I can't imagine being in 309 or 306 or 310 or any other class, really, though I can probably attribute it to having no imagination. (But I'm a very nice person kayyy.) But some times, I dunno. Maybe it's just me, but don't you find yourself always veering towards some common interest as a conversation topic or inane chattering about rubbish? There's always this safe topic there for you to reach out to, for I don't like keeping silences, cause silence is only golden when absolutely necessary.

Yeah, in case you were wondering, I read this introspective piece of writing today, so I'm kinda reflecting on this year. I was wondering about why I keep a blog anyway. I mean, if I wanted a place to vent everything, a private blog would do. If I just wanted a tagboard, you'll just see one tagboard there. And it isn't really much of a journal, cause journals remind me of CLE and it inevitably turns to reflections, and really, my blog is more of inane chattering than anything else. I mean, occasionally when I'm pissed you see a few rants (look below) or a few essays, but it's mostly 'OMG. Hot ang moh guys are hot.' (Okay, I'm not that much of an idiot, but you get the point.)

So I think a blog's mostly about sharing, a release much like when you're complaining to someone about someone else via msn, except a blog would be there when you need it 24/7, and you're not left with the deflated feeling of 'what's past is past, no use bothering about it anymore' in your chest just because it's OVER and you don't have the energy and rage to fuel complaints anymore. And it's different from a private blog, cause you know that even though you're typing in a really ugly white box framed by shit brown mixed with white paint with a hideous orange button below, you're writing out to people and not some page floating in the cyber world.

I like the holidays. Even though sometimes you get really bored and feel like you're missing out on so many could-haves and would-haves had it been school term, it's also extremely peaceful and, I dunno, quiet. Private. Not rushed. And you can just sit on a comfy chair and zoom about and read about idiots who order a calendar only to find that it's two months per page. (Wenting is an idiot. Anyone want to dispute that?)

Â -capture those moments ;

I swear, even if it's the brightest, sunniest, breeziest and cheeriest day you can ever find, Mary Sues are bound to dampen your day. It's not just that they're nauseatingly wish-fulfilling, or that the author is so clearly living out her very disgusting fantasies with random people - and trust me, that is very, VERY bad - but that the authors are so entrenched in their ~~wet~~ dreams that they don't even pay attention to logic anymore.

For heavens' sake, let's get this straight. If you so desperately want yourself - oops, I meant your self-insert - to have a dancer's grace and elegance, then she cannot be a klutz. Even if someone reviews and tells you that ~~you~~ your character was a Mary Sue, and you want to add faults, a dancer cannot be a klutz. A dancer is about grace and poise and balance. Understanding your body and finding your CG and whatnot. If you DO want to put ~~yourself~~ your oh-so-original character as a klutz, too bad, so sad, no dancing for her. The whole idea of a flaw, darling, is that, you know. A blemish. Imperfection. Not some non-visible chip in a cup in which although she's a klutz she's still graceful and elegant and can dance the most wonderful dances and her clumsiness only serves to make her look cute. *bangs head repeatedly on the table - hard*

And for the record, tall, lithe, muscular females who are well versed in martial arts and kick asses everyday do not have big boobs. It's a fact of nature, seeing that the stuff in them are fats. I'm quite sick of seeing 'rounded creamy white breasts the size of watermelons'. There's, like, a reason why larger sized people have larger boobs, you know. Yeah, thin people can have big boobs. Provided they aren't muscular and that they don't work out regularly.

Big boobed people are not lithe, wiry martial artists.
Lithe, wiry martial artists do not have big boobs.
I don't care what your exception is.

And I know names cannot be copyrighted, but 'Sakura' is so overused it's plain ridiculous. And no, I'm not talking about card-captor sakura. And so is Naomi and Sapphire and Opal and Diamond and any other name that means beautiful and/or wise and/or powerful and/or perfect and/or any of the elements and/or goddess and/or fairy (you get the point yeah). Now, if you named her Big Shit, I wouldn't complain so much. But then again, if you named her Big Shit, chances are, she's either a parody or a non-sue.

And even worse than a Mary Sue (oh wait, I take that back. There's nothing worse in the fandom than a Mary Sue) almost as bad as a Mary Sue is a Canon Sue. I mean, if Draco Malfoy is to fall in love with Hermione Granger or Ginny Weasley or Parvati Patil or Lavender Brown or Harry Potter or Ron Weasley or Severus Snape or Albus Dumbledore or his father or his mother or Trelawny or Sinistra or Minerva, it's not going to be because he/she came back from the holidays with a makeover and cut his/her hair and got piercings and is wearing revealing clothes and suddenly got a uber hot bod OR if he/she came back all in black and changed his/her attitude totally and start acting punk.

And much as I love Hisoka, he is a deranged, psychotic lunatic who kills with a deck of cards. He sliced off someone's hands cause he bumped into him. He's not going to let some random person with an attitude live long enough to fall in love with her. Chances are, he's going to slice her up into shish kebab.

And while we're on the topic, Killua and Gon are not going to be walking (apparently carrying their suitcases along with them cause they don't have the brains to call a taxi) along a road to Mount Whatchamacallit to train (conveniently forgetting the whole of HunterxHunter is getting on with life and leaving the past behind) when there is a scream (from the darkness, apparently, since the author didn't mention a road nor did she mention anywhere, actually, they were just, say, walking -_-") and where Killua's priorities are seriously screwed and he cares more about the age of the girl than, say, how big and bad the thugs are (no, seriously. Author referred to them as 'the guys' -______________-), where the darling boy who slashed people just because he lost at a ball game suddenly flies into a rage and kills 'the guys', and start craddling said girl, and when we're at it, Gon does NOT go kuku nutto bongbong elephant shit monkey face and drop the girl just to answer the question of why Killua is acting like an idiot (one, I wonder why he's acting like an idiot too and b, how does dropping the girl even answer the question???) and even IF he goes kuku nutto bongbong elephant shit monkey face and decides to drop the girl, he does NOT, I repeat, does NOT need to count to three to drop the damned girl. And even IF the above happens, in some very seriously warped and screwed world, Killua and Gon would actually have the brains to say, spend 50 cents on a call to the POLICE or the HOSPITAL (or are the calls free?) instead of apparently abandoning their suitcases which they were supposed to be carrying in the alley and carrying the girl to a 5 star hotel where they rent the largest room and leave her on the bed whilst Killua sleeps on the floor (I dunno, authoress conveniently just mentioned there was ONE BED, in a 5 star hotel top room which costs $500 instead of calling the hospital for free, and they let the weird girl whom they don't even know sleep on said bed whilst they roll about on the floor)And Gon is even better. he apparently has nothing better to do (what happened to going to train, anyway?) other than to sit and stretch his neck so she could wake up and gaze into 'brown orbs'. And don't even make me start on AFTER she wakes up.

Let's face it, Mary Sues are sickening, repulsive figments of the authoress' very sick wishes. They embody the most shameless self-praise and delusions one is able to produce, and the only ones who would want to write a Mary Sue in the first place are insecure, unselfconfident pathetic IDIOTS cause even they themselves can't stand their image in the mirror to the extent that they have to write a MS to actually, say, live.

Honestly.

Â -capture those moments ;

Thursday, November 24, 2005

I think it was really a wrong decision for my parents to buy that wheeled chair. Seeing that everything I need is on the first floor, I've taken to just zooming around the place on it, knocking into furniture and scratching them. At this rate, I'm really going to grow fat ~~and destroy the whole house.~~

And I'm going to permanently scar myself at this rate. I just slashed my arm on...something. I dunno what. Cause I was zooming around and then injured myself. At this rate, I may actually be able to carve out a Mona Lisa on my arm after all. If not for the fact that it hurts. Ouch. I'm whinnnnnnnning.

Â -capture those moments ;

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Harry Potter the Movie was incredibly condensed. I adored the effects, however. (I also adored the hot people in there, like Krum and Draco and Cedric) The way each scene flows into another through a common sound effect or word or phrase. The weasley twins were absolutely amusing. And snape. Gods, snape. I loved that scene. *tugs up sleeves* *PUSH* The humor was good. (It was the movie's one saving grace, actually, not counting the three hot guys) By the time HP met Voldie, I was bored. (Anyone noticed that Voldie holds his wand like a violin bow? In fact, some of his arm movements remind me of a violinist).

Am feeling anti-social. Bah. Go away.

Â -capture those moments ;

Saturday, November 19, 2005

I haven't updated for quite some time now. Didja miss me? Don't worry, I've missed myself too. ^^ (This is lichen's ego at its greatest)

The whole week has been super Tribune orientated. First there was the sec 4 farewell, then the FAM, and there would be the camp if not for the fact that I'm very grounded this week.

First. The Sec 4 Farewell. Arrived at sch at 1, got scolded by brenda who arrived at 12 because the idiot didn't read her emails (and she STILL scolded me - and guojun - for not informing her), met up with Qianni, hopped onto a bus to Far East to buy batteries (and only later did we realise there were batts in our popular bookshop) and arrived at school back in time to start on the deco.

THE DECO!!! I utterly ADORE the deco! We had dark green tablecloth on the pavilion tables with five candles per table (green in the middle, the other four white) placed exactly on the folds of the cloth. (SYMMETRY. Symmetry is important. XD) Guojun the darling made this large sheet of parchment from paper and coffee, and wrote the words 'Fellowship of the Quills' on it, which we fixed onto a pillar and stuck the large Tribune Feather behind it. We had golden leaves on a wire wrapped around pillars to give the medieval effect, under which there was a golden shimmery cloth curled around at the bottom and hanging down after the third round. Golden pieces of paper with quotes from LotR was pasted around, and the large rock near the 'fountain' had candles in it, so the whole thing was full of flickering lights.

Oh yes. And our PERFORMANCE. (Am still super pissed.) I wrote mine, Liy's poem, and had to write kavya's cause she 'didn't have internet connection until five minutes ago' while Mary saw her on msn. Grrr. And then she had the nerve to lose it.

Everything went very smoothly, all things considered. We ordered Pizza, and had fried noodles, cookies, onion rings, fried chicken wings, chocolate cake and lots more. (And I ran around school telling people we had pizza. x))

FAM was quite fun. I met fei2 on the bus, so we arrived together, LimHuei miin saw me, so i ran away, and met sharm there. Anyway, me and fei ran about taking photos (the ice sculpture was GORGEOUS) and watching performances, whilst Sharm sat at her senior's class table and stole class food. -___-" Anyway, the Miss Alma Mater nominees were performing. Majority of them were doing hip-hopp. There was ventriloquism, palm reading... etc etc.

Went home at 10 and arrived at 11.30. Ergo, I'm now grounded.

Life is boring. Damnit. (okay, not really, but I"m really bored now.)

Â -capture those moments ;

Thursday, November 17, 2005

I've been watching the chinese serial on channel 8 from 9 to 10. That's like the only TV I watch save nick toons when I see a nice one. What! I'm still young at heart okay!

Never did like Singapore serials. (Save project runway, but I keep forgetting to watch it. Sadness.) Technically, that serial I was watching is only good for the dancing in the show. Must look out for the director of the show. Note to self: never watch a show with the same director.

For one thing, the crying is surreal. I mean, you've heard of trickles of tears running down one's cheeks in badly written Mary Sue fanfics, but this is the first time I've SEEN it. There's no red rimmed eyes, no red noses, not even tears in the eyes. Just a trail of sparkling pearly tears on the cheek. I was like: huh? -_-"

Two, the characters are just lame and unrealistic. One of the girls just keep saying 'you lied to me! I hate people who lie to me!' regardless of the situation. -__-" I mean, when you find out your boyfriend is the son of an illustrous director who is using all means to stop said son from working to support himself, is your first reaction curiosity and 'what the hell is going on', or 'you lied to me! I hate people who lie to me!' (and subsequently walk backwards into a hole)

And half the time when there's interaction between two people, the rest are just like random statues standing around. This person's at this new school with her dancing partner. During dinner, said partner starts quarrelling and insulting the people at the school. And the whole time, the other girl didn't appear on screen. Like, HELLO, do you stop the fight, or do you just sit there and pick your nose and pee in your pants? It reminds me of this fic I read before (the cast of an anime in American Idol), where the author actually writes there on the script: Crowd: Random cheering noises.

But I'll give them credit for getting the bimbotic-ness and bitching between girls correct. I found that the most realistic scene of all. *grinz*

*shakes head* I'm going back to Ji Xiao Lan.

Â -capture those moments ;

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Write nine syllables in the first line,
Eight in the second, and with rhyme,
The third line you can write,
Rhyming above as your guide,
Eight here, rhyming is a damned plight.

Haha. Genni and I were having a very amusing convo some days back. Involving limericks. The little (or not so little) dear needed to write limericks for her seniors, and I was one of her practice victims. x) But I must admit, hers were funny. Mine are rather sad, as can be seen from the above attempt. Here they (mine) are:

I know a girl by the name of Gen
Who throws softballs over the fence
Pokes people for fun
Runs when she's done
And she makes utterly no sense

Gen is an ass who likes to taunt mold
Threatening with the bat she holds
See her with a pan
Run away if you can
If you're hit don't say you're not told

Catherine is a big bad pervert
When you talk to her your head hurts
She wants some fun
You want to run
And you must be on high alert (Okay, I like the forth and fifth line of this though)

And gengen's:

there was once a little girl called lichen
who strutted about like a fern (excuse me? I do NOT strut.)
She could never concentrate
though her teacher got irate
she could always ace her turn.

there was once a girl called lichen
who went around looking like a dead kitten
but once she's about
you better watch out
you may get a little frozen (I still think the last word should be 'beaten', but gen's referring to my knack of throwing ice cubes down people's back. XD)

lichen harbours certain ambitions
to be the lord over some ferns
when she cant get her way
you'd better not stay
she sometimes can get really stern. (Hey! I'm really nice okay!)

there was once a little girl called catherine
She was always forever singing
if you sat beside her
you might just go bonkers
and your head will start to ring

there was once a teenager called cat
she looked very pro with a bat
and when the ball came
she looked very tame
but sent the ball flying like a jet

there was once a teenager called cat
with an ego the size of a planet
when she narrows her eyes
you better start to fly
cos shes really good with a bat.

And my absolute fav. (written by gen, naturally):

Craps! When you see lichen coming
Beware! She is ever so cunning
If your back is to her
She will light up and cheer
And you'll wish you've done more thinking

Ah, the joy of limericks. Now I've got to call people. Damnit.
call: brenda(ming see), kavya (wanfen and salad), liyana. (Ah the joys)

Â -capture those moments ;

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Whee, I'm back from the camp. Goodness, what a camp. Truely all-encompassing. I mean, I had dehydration/heatstroke (dunno which), height elements (damned fun), gross dorms (mine was Dorm Delta), canteen duty (lunch duty!), nice facilitators (fen and xinhui! <3) and lame teachers (-_-" very, very lame).

Lets' go by points. Firstly, I got lost on the way there. I got off at the bus stop at the PSA building cause it was on the map, realized it was the wrong stop, took a taxi and went on a spin around Pasir Panjang (and wasted $5.80) only to have to get off and hitch-hike in the car of another camp goer (who also lost her way) and we arrived late after I got through to shann and she gave directions. So malu. -_-"

Then there was briefing, blah blah blah, lunch (which was stupidly curry. I mean, isn't it common sense not to provide spicy food to a group of people with whom you do not know whether they take spice?) and then we had our first height element. That was, by then, in the afternoon.

So. We put on our helmets and harnesses (later in the camp I started pronouncing them as harnets and helmesses. It's the food, I say.). And trooped out into the hot sun and the mud (since it just rained, but it was VERY hot, trust me, worst then OBS. In fact, OBS is mild in comparison) to face the Barrel Hug. Basically, there's this tightrope at about three stories high, above that there's a barrel hanging on another rope higher than the first, and you're supposed to go across the tight rope hugging the barrel. Belayed, naturally.

Berny went first, then qianni, whom I belayed, and Liju, whom I belayed too. I was supposed to go after that. But halfway through belaying Liju I started seeing colors and felt nauseated and couldn't stand. Luckily Liju was only about five rungs up, and could come down, or else I would have been responsible for murder. Anyway, I went to the first aid stand and had to sit there for a while (which wasn't so bad, since the shade was fantastic).

And the height elements. I absolutely loved the challenge pole. It's this pole about three stories high and diameter 15 cm ruler. Super shaky. Anyway, the scariest part was at the top, cause you had nothing to hold on to. At the top you have to jump off and try to grab a rung. :) And there was the tyre thing. Poor belayers.

Dorms were dratty. It's cold in appearance, with metal double layered bunks and thin hard mattresses spaced out evenly.

Canteen duty was successful. We were praised for it. x)

FACS! FENNEH AND XINHUI! <3 Haha, my darling facs.

Teachers. They seemed to all have retarded about 20 years younger, mentally. KT was going around throwing pebbles onto his helmet and letting them bounce off, doing a 'sporting dance' where he mock-runs slowly in the opposite direction to which the person is falling from the challenge pole with outstretched arms, hugging the BELAYING pole when the person on the climbing pole is shaking. (The belaying pole is, like, 2 meters away...-_-") And of course, his NOWWWWW. And the rest too. We (almost - Qianni left it on her bed) lost our dorm key and they were so happy and cheery about it. Even our facs were shocked.

Yes. I'm tired now. Am being msnly-abused by brenda. sigh. She's taking advantage of the situation, I say.

Â -capture those moments ;

Sunday, November 06, 2005

I'm happy with my results. (Technically I wasn't too happy with my chinese and english and lit and SS and bio but bio is a hopeless cause what with being traumatized by jiggling ~~boobs~~ teachers and my chinese sucked anyway so it's just english and lit and you can see it's not getting any better with the way my commas are disappearing. So there they are: ,,,,,,,,,)

Actually, it's cause my mom saw them and didn't scream. Yet. I was there, on the sofa, timer on the ready for her to start, and she never did. O.o So naturally what makes my mom happy makes my ears happy and in turn makes me happy. This brings on a whole new meaning to 'seeking parental approval'.

Ah yes. If you read brenda's blog you'll know all about the bus stop incident. We were at Taka, and then we had to get back to school, so she was talking about the bus stop at the back of taka, and I took it at the back of the mrt station, and the dear girl didn't know the way anyway, and we spent the better part of the time getting lost and going up and down the damned escalator, so I took her to the mrt bus stop ~~which she specifically told me not to go to~~ and we spent our time giggling away. Yes, that's what happened. ~~cut short and summarized so I don't look too stupid.~~

Mel was sick on friday, and Liqi and I had to bring her things to her. And she didn't even look sick and was laughing at us. (We missed her stop.) The ass.

SLN camp is on monday. I was packing and had to sew up the damned hole in my hadley shirt cause they wanted approved shirts that were neither black or sleeveless, and so I cannot wear last two years' class tee. Damn it. And guess what? I'm going through the damned thing with my ******. It's going to be so damned irritating. ~~"Oh I'm so sorry [insert name of teacher in charge]. I think I just scraped my butt and I am bleeding. Can I please go and put on a...plaster?"~~ yes, THAT'LL go well. I do hope it doesn't happen.

I really need to start writing again. Or critiqing, at any rate. My english is going (speeding, really) down the drain. Or longkang. Which ever is larger. Anyway, I just read a horrendous piece of fanfiction. Apparently, Kurapika turns into a fruitcake who compares his life with a road every three seconds, the narration reminds me of that lousy movie featuring Christ somemore (poor religious people, they must be so insulted) where there is a deep voice in the backgroud so the scriptwriter doesn't need to work on how to incorporate facts into the script and animals act waay out of character. I mean, if you can't get kurapika right, which is more or less the easiest of them all, at least you get an animal's actions right...right? And author really needs to get a new theme. I'm going to shoot the person who introduced the wizard of oz to him/her.

On another hand, http://www.fanfiction.net/~thetreacletart has nice stories, though one might best be pro-slash to read all. Nods.

Oh yeah, people, go here: http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html Hilarious, I tell you. It's about 100 things an evil overlord should and should not do (and cells A and B have more funny stuff). Here's some of the more memorable ones:

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.

I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.

I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.

If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)

My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)

I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.

If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.

I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.

I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".

I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy.

If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.

I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed.

All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.

Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."

I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.

Mythical guardians will be instructed to ask visitors name, purpose of visit, and whether they have an appointment instead of ancient riddles.

Ah yes. Amusement.

Â -capture those moments ;

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Forget about chinese and english results. The next person who mentions them will be slapped by me.

Went trick or treating with sharm on monday. Got lots of gum. Felt shamefully old. And sharm's brother is such a greedy shameless dignity-less pig. (And sharm agrees, so I'm allowed to say so openly.) One of the girls was damned rude, and threw the candy onto the floor when we approached. He was there trying to grab everything. And he did the same for all the other houses. And then he complained some people were cheapskate cause they gave singaporean candy. Like hello, you're TAKING their candy, tagging along with sharm and me and rohini when it's obvious we don't want you to come, and you speak of people being cheapskate? Then Ann and her sis joined us halfway, but by then majority of the houses have closed shop already so...

And yes. I went in sharm's heels. Ouch. Halfway through both of us gave up and walked barefoot on the super rocky road. I think there were bits and pieces of glass there as well. Ended up with seven blisters on one foot and five on the other. Poked ten once I got home, then poked the rest today and then practically soaked my feet in moisturizer. (grins evilly at Liqi)

Went shopping for a computer monitor today, cause parents refused to just GET A NEW COM. Methinks I didn't poke my blisters properly. Two returned. damn it. Shall poke them again tonight.

I more or less finished Qianni's present for wanfen tomorrow. (That girl owes me buckets) It was fun. And it smells of coffee, that parchment does. x)

Yay. I updated. I'm hoping never to get back my results slip. Never ever ever ever ever.

Maybe getting dengue now isn't such a bad idea.

Â -capture those moments ;